Structure around the child

The structure you provide for your child includes creating a routine and setting limits. Every child needs structure. Create a routine and set limits that you feel are appropriate for your child’s age and needs.

It’s best if structure is applied consistently by all members of the family.

Copyright: Florence Dion-Morin

Florence Dion-Morin

Setting up a routine

A routine is a set of habits or actions that are regularly repeated in a child’s daily life. Routines are established gradually and are different for each family.

Your child likes it when things are repeated in more or less the same order (e.g., bath time, story time, bedtime). Your child also likes it when certain actions and activities are similar from one day to the next. For example, you can sing the same song or tell the same story before bedtime.

Children need a routine to help them understand what’s happening and what’s going to happen. A routine reassures and calms your child, making them more open to connecting with you and developing as a person.

Setting limits

Although it can be difficult to set limits, your child needs them. As a parent, you have to prepare your child for life outside the home (e.g., daycare, extended family), where other limits and rules apply.

The purpose of limits

Your child needs limits to feel secure and confident, even if it may make them angry. Little by little, your child will learn how to handle frustrations.

Limits are necessary to prevent your child from hurting themselves. They help your child understand the danger. For example, when your child first starts walking and gets close to a staircase, they have to hold your hand.

Limits also help your child gradually learn to respect their environment and other people. For example, even if your child is able to use crayons, they’re not allowed to draw on everything in the house.

How to set limits

At first, you set limits by making your child’s environment safe (e.g., by installing a gate at the top of the stairs; see Babyproofing). Gradually, your child will start to understand your instructions. At about age 1, they begin to understand very simple rules (e.g., don’t touch the stove).

When giving your child instructions, use simple, short phrases (e.g., “Give me your hand”). Your instructions and expectations will change as your child gets older and grows more independent.

If your child doesn’t seem to understand, you can use gestures (e.g., motioning with your hand to say “come here”) or model the behaviour you want (e.g., petting a cat without hitting it).

Sometimes, even if your child understands your instructions, they may not follow them. They can’t control their impulses yet. They also need to test the limits they’re in the process of learning. To help your child, stick to the same instructions in different contexts (e.g., don’t hit your parents, don’t hit other people). Also, try to respond the same way to the same behaviours (e.g., tell your child to speak quietly every time they yell).

When you set limits consistently, it makes it easier for your child to respect them. Your child will gradually learn to follow the rules with your help and by observing how others behave.

What to do when your child doesn’t respect limits

A good way to help your child when they don’t follow your instructions is to redirect them to another action or activity. For example, if your child is trying to pull the leaves off a plant, you can calmly say “no” and guide them toward a game they enjoy. Depending on how much they understand, you can explain: “We look at the plant, we don’t pull the leaves off.”

If your child reacts to a limit that has been set, name the child’s emotion (e.g., “I see you’re angry”). At their age, they’re not yet able to recognize and manage their emotions on their own. They need your help. Your child will gradually learn how to do this as they get older.

It’s important to acknowledge your child’s emotion, but you also need to maintain limits. You can tell your child that what they want isn’t possible right now. Keep in mind that you’ll have to repeat instructions often. This is normal. By staying calm, you model how to manage emotions appropriately.

You can help your child by modelling and encouraging the behaviours you expect instead of punishing them. For example, if your child rips a page out of a book, you can say, “We treat books nicely,” and show them how to turn the pages gently. Punishment doesn’t tell your child what you expect of them.

If you have any questions or concerns about providing structure or about the intensity of your child’s reactions, don’t hesitate to contact a health professional.

What to do when you’re angry

Most parents find it challenging to set and maintain limits, especially when their child pushes the boundaries. If you feel your anger building, you can calmly let your child know (e.g., “I’m starting to lose my patience” or “I need to calm down”), even if they don’t understand yet.

You can ask someone to look after your child. Or you can make sure your child is safe (e.g. in their bed) and leave the room. If necessary, come back every 10 minutes to make sure they are still safe. Don’t pick your child up again until you have calmed down. By doing so, you prevent impulsive, hurtful, or violent behaviour.

A parent’s yelling and angry gestures are stressful for a child. They may feel intimidated or frightened by an angry face and a loud voice. It’s harder for your child to learn what you expect of them if they’re stressed. By staying calm, you can manage the situation better, and your child will maintain their confidence in you and in themselves. They will still feel loved, even if you don’t approve of what they’ve done.

If you lose your temper, you can apologize to your child, even if they don’t understand yet. That way, you set a good example for them.

If you are having trouble calming down, you can call Info-Social (8-1-1) for assistance. If you’re feeling tired, overwhelmed and generally impatient with your child, don’t hesitate to ask for help (see Support).

Encouraging your child

Your child is learning. They need you to be supportive and patient. Give your child more positive attention than negative, with lots of praise and encouragement. It’s better to highlight their efforts and celebrate their progress rather than focus on their struggles and undesirable behaviours.

Encouraging your child reassures them about their abilities and skills. Through their day-to-day experiences, your child will build self-esteem and develop a positive sense of self-worth. Encouraging your child with a smile or a kind word is beneficial from the first months of life.

Your words and actions are all the encouragement your child needs. Your gaze means a great deal to them. It’s important to avoid rewarding them with food or screen time, as they could start making efforts just to get a reward. This could lead to bad habits (see Screens).